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Heartbreak again and again

Watching Private Practice brought on the tears tonight. Parents of pair of eight-year-old twins with leukemia had to choose which twin would receive cord blood from their newborn son.

We had to make this choice when we had surgery on the twins’ placenta. Not only did we have to face surgery on our babies’ lifesource with me under general anesthesia, but we had to tell the doctor what we wanted him to do if he couldn’t reach what he needed – should he do nothing, which had a 90% chance of losing both twins – or terminate one twin to save the other?

We had about an hour to make the choice. We had less than 72 hours prior knowing our babies were in jeopardy. It’s probably a blessing things weren’t drawn out.

Our choice didn’t matter, since the doctor was able to perform the operation. Our babies survived it. But our weaker twin was gone the next morning. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

Losing him

I was supposed to have two babies.

Two boys, in fact. I was pregnant with twins. On the same day we found out they were both boys, we also found out they had life-threatening Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).

Within a week, I had one.

It’s been almost a year. I’ve been grieving. I had my Earth Baby to focus on growing, then getting ready for, then growing again when he was born early and had a hard time gaining weight.

Now Earth Baby is a big chubby happy child and it kills me to watch him laugh at his reflection in the mirror, because he should be laughing at his Angel brother.

It’s not fair. I know what he would have looked like since they are identical twins. I suppose that’s a blessing. I don’t have any photos of him after he was born. He was small, and shaped like a baby, but I wish I had one photo. I know it wasn’t really him, that he is home and had left a long time before that. But like everything else related to losing him, it hurts.

It’s not all bad. Earth Baby is the biggest joy I have ever experienced. His smile can make the world better. It does make my world better. I just wish he would get to see that smile back at him, from his brother.

A start

The past year or so has brought so many surprises, changes, devastation and the greatest joy we could experience. The need to work through these things – life, I suppose – has been nagging at me for a while. I hope by writing them I can process and accept them a bit better.

I wonder why we’re so drawn to blogging. Why not keep a diary? I think for me, I would probably benefit from therapy. Maybe interaction with others will serve a similar purpose.