Archive for January, 2010

Losing him

I was supposed to have two babies.

Two boys, in fact. I was pregnant with twins. On the same day we found out they were both boys, we also found out they had life-threatening Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).

Within a week, I had one.

It’s been almost a year. I’ve been grieving. I had my Earth Baby to focus on growing, then getting ready for, then growing again when he was born early and had a hard time gaining weight.

Now Earth Baby is a big chubby happy child and it kills me to watch him laugh at his reflection in the mirror, because he should be laughing at his Angel brother.

It’s not fair. I know what he would have looked like since they are identical twins. I suppose that’s a blessing. I don’t have any photos of him after he was born. He was small, and shaped like a baby, but I wish I had one photo. I know it wasn’t really him, that he is home and had left a long time before that. But like everything else related to losing him, it hurts.

It’s not all bad. Earth Baby is the biggest joy I have ever experienced. His smile can make the world better. It does make my world better. I just wish he would get to see that smile back at him, from his brother.

A start

The past year or so has brought so many surprises, changes, devastation and the greatest joy we could experience. The need to work through these things – life, I suppose – has been nagging at me for a while. I hope by writing them I can process and accept them a bit better.

I wonder why we’re so drawn to blogging. Why not keep a diary? I think for me, I would probably benefit from therapy. Maybe interaction with others will serve a similar purpose.